Jyotsana "Jyoti" Johar
Sincerely, Ms. Johar
Journal of Jyotsana "Jyoti" Johar
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Journal Confessions of a Terrible Templar
- Thread starter Jyotsana "Jyoti" Johar
- Start date
Journal of Jyotsana "Jyoti" Johar
OP
Jyotsana "Jyoti" Johar
Sincerely, Ms. Johar
- Thread Starter
- #2
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
When in doubt, when close to losing your grip, write it out. At least that is what my Temple Hall mandated therapist of the last several months, Dr. Traeger , has been saying for as long as I've been seeing him. I'm just now getting around to taking said advice, which shows either just how busy I've been or how stubborn I am. Whichever it is here I am writing when I should be getting ready for the day ahead.
Focus, or a lack there of, never used to be a problem for me. Be it my personal or professional life, I had my life together: I knew who I was and where I was going, that all went out the window late last year after the incident in Dark Side. Never before had I felt so unsettled,fragile, and violated as I did in the days following my being brought out of sedation and then released.
I never got over it, what they did to me in their attempt to extract information. The knife that was used to gut me was by far more pleasant than the machines they hooked me up to and offered release where as the chemical cocktail they pumped into me denied me it; I was more useful to the investigation, and by extension Temple Hall, on the cusp of death than I was alive.
They forced me to relive that moment in the alley way the entire time I was under sedation which was a week, so one hundred and sixty eight hours. Fat lot of good it did! Not only did I suffer more at the hands of Temple Hall's doctors and and scientists than I did bleeding out on the cobbles, but the man responsible got away and continued to torment me for months after. While the experience didn't break me, it changed me.
The paranoia made me erratic and vicious, two traits that don't mix well. I could go from being fine to being either a weeping mess or irrationally violent in a blink, each day brought me a step closer to total melt down. Eventually I did go over the edge, but Connor was there to not only catch me but to stop me from doing something truly terrible.
I resented him for it at first, but it's thanks to him that I eventually got the help that I desperately needed. It meant signing a statement that I wasn't of sound body and/or mind and thus removal from the active duty rosters, but my sanity and Connor were worth it to me. It took months of physical therapy and counseling to get me back to someone that even remotely resembled who I once was. I could finally go back to being someone that both my family, my friends, and Connor could be proud of, or could I?
I never got over it, what they did to me in their attempt to extract information. The knife that was used to gut me was by far more pleasant than the machines they hooked me up to and offered release where as the chemical cocktail they pumped into me denied me it; I was more useful to the investigation, and by extension Temple Hall, on the cusp of death than I was alive.
They forced me to relive that moment in the alley way the entire time I was under sedation which was a week, so one hundred and sixty eight hours. Fat lot of good it did! Not only did I suffer more at the hands of Temple Hall's doctors and and scientists than I did bleeding out on the cobbles, but the man responsible got away and continued to torment me for months after. While the experience didn't break me, it changed me.
The paranoia made me erratic and vicious, two traits that don't mix well. I could go from being fine to being either a weeping mess or irrationally violent in a blink, each day brought me a step closer to total melt down. Eventually I did go over the edge, but Connor was there to not only catch me but to stop me from doing something truly terrible.
I resented him for it at first, but it's thanks to him that I eventually got the help that I desperately needed. It meant signing a statement that I wasn't of sound body and/or mind and thus removal from the active duty rosters, but my sanity and Connor were worth it to me. It took months of physical therapy and counseling to get me back to someone that even remotely resembled who I once was. I could finally go back to being someone that both my family, my friends, and Connor could be proud of, or could I?
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